How to Talk to Strangers in 5 Steps
Talking to strangers is one of my favourite things to do.
How else do you meet new people or make new friends? I am super lucky that I have crafted a life where talking to strangers is nearly an every-day norm (I believe I am one of the luckiest creatures on earth, actually).
Do you talk to strangers?
I think it is a skill that is becoming less and less common, as more and more of our lives happen via some sort of screen. Sure it can be awkward talking to strangers! How do you know what to say?! How can you tell if someone is willing to talk to you?! How do you avoid the painful, cricket-chirping silence that can occur when you have tried to open a conversation with someone new, and have received no reply at all?!
Well, lucky you! I have done the miles and spent dozens of hours over the past several years embarrassing myself in front of strangers just for you! I can now offer you my 5-step program on talking to strangers! I've been embarrassing myself in public for years just to make sure these 5-steps were fool-proof.
You are welcome.
Most of my research is based on figuring out how to tell if someone wants to talk to you because, for me, this is the most embarrassing part. I generally am not afraid of embarrassing myself in public, and have been called out on this fact so many times I couldn't even begin to count. But just because my tolerance may be greater than the average persons, doesn't mean I specifically enjoy the feeling!
As for what to say when you actually convince a stranger to talk to you.... that's another post entirely.
So here it is - a step by step guide on how to talk to strangers!! I'd love to know if you try it!
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| Talking to two year olds counts, too. Photo Cred: Kate Pardey Weddings |
STEP 1: EYE CONTACT
The first thing you need to do when talking to a stranger is try to make eye contact! It all starts here.
If someone won't make eye contact with you - they are not willing to talk to a stranger! Getting eye contact from someone (which you do by simply glancing to their eyes quickly! There is no need to stare at their face for too long. A person who is open and willing to talk to strangers will be looking to make eye contact with you!)
You can save yourself a lot of discomfort by simply choosing people who are interesting in talking to you in the first place!
STEP 2: A SMILE
The world could be run just on eye contact and a smile! If you get eye contact from a stranger, but no smile, just stop now. Even someone in a bad mood will smile back at a stranger if they want to talk to them more! If you do make eye contact with a stranger, but it is too fleeting to get a smile, try again! Give them time. It may take another glimpse of eye contact for them to realise it was on purpose, and for them to smile back.
Plus, smiles are contagious! Your interaction could end here, and both of you will end up having a better day for it.
2021 edit: If you happen to live somewhere where masks are required in public, you may have to skip this step! Or pay attention to how people eyes crinkle slightly when they smile! Humans still need social contact - now more than ever! - so please don't let this stop you!!
STEP 3: THE GREETING
Don't think big. Don't think crazy. Generally speaking, people are less likely to talk to you if you come at them all super loud and boisterous. (Yup, as a Super Loud and Boisterous person, I've had to learn to bring people into my energy gently!) After you get Eye Contact and a Smile, start simply with "hello," or at the very most, a "hi, how are you?" Of all the greetings I have trialled, this is the gentlest beginning to any conversation. If they say "hello," or "fine, how are you" or any variety of answer to this, then congrats! You can keep carrying on to your goal of talking with a stranger! If they say nothing, but continue to smile at you or maybe even nod in greeting, you may still be able to proceed to the next step - just be wary that you may have to bail quickly to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
STEP 4: THE QUESTION
First of all, congrats! I am proud of you for making it this far on the track towards talking with a stranger! Now here it is - the crux. The most important, absolutely crucial step in my 5 step program!
STEP 3: THE GREETING
Don't think big. Don't think crazy. Generally speaking, people are less likely to talk to you if you come at them all super loud and boisterous. (Yup, as a Super Loud and Boisterous person, I've had to learn to bring people into my energy gently!) After you get Eye Contact and a Smile, start simply with "hello," or at the very most, a "hi, how are you?" Of all the greetings I have trialled, this is the gentlest beginning to any conversation. If they say "hello," or "fine, how are you" or any variety of answer to this, then congrats! You can keep carrying on to your goal of talking with a stranger! If they say nothing, but continue to smile at you or maybe even nod in greeting, you may still be able to proceed to the next step - just be wary that you may have to bail quickly to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
STEP 4: THE QUESTION
First of all, congrats! I am proud of you for making it this far on the track towards talking with a stranger! Now here it is - the crux. The most important, absolutely crucial step in my 5 step program!
Ask your stranger a very simple question.
You want to make sure they have an easy option of answering, such as simply "yes," or "thank you," but that they can also answer with more detail if they want to! A little compliment on something specific works great here! Some of my favourites include, "I like your earrings," "Have you tried this sandwich/donut/coffee here before," - and of course, everyone's fail safe, "How about that weather today?!"
Now, pay careful attention. Here's the most important part of this strategy, and it relies on what kind of reply you get back!
Consider your conversation over if your stranger replies to your question with just one word. "Yes," or "thank you," for example. This is their signal to you that they don't want to engage any further. Try not to take it personally, some people just don't want to talk to strangers. (Whaaaaauuutttt????! Crazy, right?!)
But!
Now, pay careful attention. Here's the most important part of this strategy, and it relies on what kind of reply you get back!
Consider your conversation over if your stranger replies to your question with just one word. "Yes," or "thank you," for example. This is their signal to you that they don't want to engage any further. Try not to take it personally, some people just don't want to talk to strangers. (Whaaaaauuutttt????! Crazy, right?!)
But!
If they reply with a "yes" or a "thank you" AND THEN offer you more details, then you, my friend, ARE IN! By doing this they are indicating to you that yes, they would like to talk to a stranger today. And look at you - showing up and giving them that social connection they were hoping to find today!
Go you! You're a gem.
For example, if you pass the first three steps (eye contact, smile, the greeting) and your question is "I like your earrings," and they reply "thank you! My mom bought them for me!" then you can carry on the conversation however you would like.
For example, if you pass the first three steps (eye contact, smile, the greeting) and your question is "I like your earrings," and they reply "thank you! My mom bought them for me!" then you can carry on the conversation however you would like.
I've found that it's this second part is how we signal to others that we would like to talk to them. That we are the kind of person who is comfortable talking to strangers (and that we feel available to do that right now!).
Congratulations! You are now...
STEP 5: TALKING TO A STRANGER!
Congratulations! You've made it!! Look at you. Talking to a stranger who may now even become a friend, or, even better, a Very Good Friend!! Or, at the very least, you've both had an interaction that will give you the good-feels for the rest of your day. How delightful. Oh the power of social connection!
NOTES I'VE PICKED UP FROM THE FIELD
- People by themselves will generally be more interested in conversing with a stranger than people in any sort of group.
- If you do, however, want to talk to someone in a group, all hope is not lost! All you have to do, is wait to see if one of the group members is willing to Eye Contact and Smile with you. Now just ask them whatever question you had in mind! A lot of times, where there is a big group of people, at least one of them will be gazing around at other people in the vicinity to make sure their group isn't creating too much noise to bother outsiders! This acknowledgment of others is a great indication that they'd be willing to talk to you.
- If the group is made up of teens or young adults (usually between the ages of 16-25) they will be very hard to engage with. In my experience, people in this age group are generally too concerned with appearing cool in front of their peers, and thus not willing to engage with anyone who is not another peer. Even if you get Eye Contact and a Smile, their response past this point is typically to turn back into the safety of their own peer group. Not to offend anyone between the ages of 16-25!! But I have tried. And been embarrassed in public often enough to know that is just what is likely going to happen!
- Practical Implications: try to use these tips in public places that are conducive to talking to strangers! Waiting in line at the bank? Perfect. Hovering at your favourite coffee shop trying to avoid going home and cleaning your house? Marvellous. Standing at a playground for the bazillionth time this week, and starting to get a little too dizzy watching the merry-go-round? Superb!!
- Traditionally speaking, someone who has a book in front of them has been considered to be putting out the "I don't want to talk to you" vibe. But often I find these people most willing to engage! The book may just be a tool they are using so sitting by themselves in public isn't visibly awkward, if their eyes are off of their book long enough to Eye Contact and Smile with you, chances are they are looking for a happy distraction!
So there you have it, friends!!
I hope you find this helpful, or at least I hope it made you smile! If you want to join my study, and volunteer yourself for any future experiments, I would be glad to have you on my team!
Meetings held whenever I want to, probably over a gin.
Wink & a smile.
Cara
--
*Maybe not patented. But as far as I can tell it is only me that spends quite so much time thinking about the specific steps required to talk to strangers. Plenty of others can give you tips, like "be approachable," or, "imagine that they are already your friend." (Actually - that last one is a great tip! What a good idea.) But it's just me who wants to share with you the steps on how to do so.
**So I never realised embarrassing has the word 'ass' right in the middle! How appropriate.
STEP 5: TALKING TO A STRANGER!
Congratulations! You've made it!! Look at you. Talking to a stranger who may now even become a friend, or, even better, a Very Good Friend!! Or, at the very least, you've both had an interaction that will give you the good-feels for the rest of your day. How delightful. Oh the power of social connection!
NOTES I'VE PICKED UP FROM THE FIELD
- People by themselves will generally be more interested in conversing with a stranger than people in any sort of group.
- If you do, however, want to talk to someone in a group, all hope is not lost! All you have to do, is wait to see if one of the group members is willing to Eye Contact and Smile with you. Now just ask them whatever question you had in mind! A lot of times, where there is a big group of people, at least one of them will be gazing around at other people in the vicinity to make sure their group isn't creating too much noise to bother outsiders! This acknowledgment of others is a great indication that they'd be willing to talk to you.
- If the group is made up of teens or young adults (usually between the ages of 16-25) they will be very hard to engage with. In my experience, people in this age group are generally too concerned with appearing cool in front of their peers, and thus not willing to engage with anyone who is not another peer. Even if you get Eye Contact and a Smile, their response past this point is typically to turn back into the safety of their own peer group. Not to offend anyone between the ages of 16-25!! But I have tried. And been embarrassed in public often enough to know that is just what is likely going to happen!
- Practical Implications: try to use these tips in public places that are conducive to talking to strangers! Waiting in line at the bank? Perfect. Hovering at your favourite coffee shop trying to avoid going home and cleaning your house? Marvellous. Standing at a playground for the bazillionth time this week, and starting to get a little too dizzy watching the merry-go-round? Superb!!
- Traditionally speaking, someone who has a book in front of them has been considered to be putting out the "I don't want to talk to you" vibe. But often I find these people most willing to engage! The book may just be a tool they are using so sitting by themselves in public isn't visibly awkward, if their eyes are off of their book long enough to Eye Contact and Smile with you, chances are they are looking for a happy distraction!
So there you have it, friends!!
I hope you find this helpful, or at least I hope it made you smile! If you want to join my study, and volunteer yourself for any future experiments, I would be glad to have you on my team!
Meetings held whenever I want to, probably over a gin.
Wink & a smile.
Cara
--
*Maybe not patented. But as far as I can tell it is only me that spends quite so much time thinking about the specific steps required to talk to strangers. Plenty of others can give you tips, like "be approachable," or, "imagine that they are already your friend." (Actually - that last one is a great tip! What a good idea.) But it's just me who wants to share with you the steps on how to do so.
**So I never realised embarrassing has the word 'ass' right in the middle! How appropriate.
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