Becoming
a 12 part story of growth
Part One.
At the beginning of this year I started working towards a certificate in Love, Sex, and Relationship coaching with Layla Martin in a program she created called VITA (the vital and integrated tantric approach - it’s not a tantric path, but it does use principles of tantra to remove blocks that freeze us. It’s a beautiful path, one of absolute acceptance, embracing the edges and the edginess, and one that resonated with me instantly. It had me saying YES THIS SOUNDS GOOD TO ME from day one!)
And in one of our very first lectures (I don’t even remember what the topic was!), I heard a sentence that sent me into tears for days.
One sentence shook my sense of self so much that I absolutely fell into a hole.
I am currently continents away from my journal, so I can’t quote this directly, but the sentence went something like:
‘Is it your personality, or is it a trauma response?’
All of us have parts of our personality that we developed as a trauma response. We have hid parts of us in order to protect ourselves, and let other made-up parts thrive for the same purpose.
Now, I KNOW I had unhealed trauma in my body.
(definition of Trauma below!!)
And this one sentence shook me - OMG WHAT IF THE PARTS OF ME I LIKE ARE ALL TRAUMA RESPONSES??? What if, by agreeing to heal the trauma in my body, I am also signing up to ERASE WHO I AM?!
I sobbed.
What if I lost myself??
My eyes leaked tears for days.
What if I did all this work, and then I didn’t like myself anymore??
Did I really want to do this??
Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay the same?? To stay HOW I was and who I was and maybe even exactly where I was??!
Wouldn’t that be easier??
But I knew that wasn’t an option for me.
So onwards I swam.
Next: Life goes a little numb
Trauma:
Truthfully, all of us have unhealed trauma in our body. It is impossible to live on this earth and NOT have any
trauma to heal. I know trauma is a scary word, and I know I've said it a lot in this one little
post - but please know that other than the Big T style Trauma many of us first think of, trauma is simply any stress that is stored in the body. A car accident can create trauma (or it might not! We are all different) witnessing someone else experience stress can create trauma, being shamed around our sexuality can create trauma, the list is endless. And if we don't heal this in our bodies, it can manifest in all sorts of painful ways.
Part Two.
Take a Step.
Let’s be real.
My life is awesome.
I was going to spend the next few posts showing you how hard everything was for me, how hard I worked and just how frozen I had become. But truth be told - I’m bored with that story.
And I don’t actually think that sharing that is what will help inspire anyone AT ALL. In the least. Nope. Not gonna do it.
Also, here’s a piece of truth:
💫 We do not need to validate our experience by making anyone understand how hard we have worked to get through anything, or how many difficult things we faced along our way.
💩 That’s just piling more stinky poop onto the narrative that we have to EARN the right to feel good.
I have carved out these twelve slides to share the story of my growth over the past few years, lovingly referred to as “my becoming.”
A loved one said to me the other day, “watching you grow is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
And I wanted to mark a sort of before and after. From becoming to become. From I’m on a Journey to I Have Arrived (when the arrival is all just part of the journey anyhow, of course!). But for anyone new to my world from here on out let this specific location stand as a visual marker. Of where I’ve been and where I’m going and (oh most important of all to be sure!!) where I am right now.
So, yes - I found my life hard for a while (turns out - opening 5 bakeries and having 3 kids in 4 years will do that! HA!!) Was it all bad? F*k no. Did I find the challenges of being a wife and a mom and a boss and a human with feelings and projections and stories I tell myself to be, well…. CHALLENGING..?! F*k yes.
Did I find a way to cope? Of course I did!!!
Did I mess up sometimes? 🙈😹🤪 HA. I’m not even going to answer that. 🤦♀️🙋♀️
Instead - wanna hear everything I did to make myself feel good? To be a better mother for my kids? To bring energy to my relationship? To (hopefully) show up as a better friend? To light a spark inside me that made me so flipping excited to be alive??
Ok, good.
So, for anyone who has ever sat in their own stuckness, unsure how to even get out "yeah, all these people are telling me I need to do THIS, THAT, and the OTHER to feel
better BUT HOW THE F*K DO I DO THAT?! How do I get from "this is miserable I'm stuck and I suck" to "high vibe energy and joy and now I believe in meditation and manifestation and the healing power of art." How how how how how how hoooowwWwww??! How do you get from here to there I do not get iiiiit!!!"
This is how.
Well, this is how I did it anyhow.
Let's go!!
First step:
Just one step.
I decided that I wanted to feel better in my life and I started to MOVE.
I invested in myself with both time and money. I saw a friends' post on Facebook one day, advertising a new program she was launching. A few of the
sentences resonated so I decided to take a step. It was $300 which felt like a stretch for me to invest in myself at the time.
But the most stretchiest part of all? Believing that this one step was going to make any difference whatsoever. (And then trying not to put ALL of my hope in it either! Ahhh what a fine balance we have to walk!)
But I do get it - I get how everything just feels icky around you that you can't even imagine what first step to take, what could even help?! And the truth is IT DOESN'T FLIPPING MATTER. There are a dozen -heck there's probably a trillion!…. ways to work on yourself. I chose one. Just one step. Then I followed it to the next and the next (until I am eventually dancing naked in front of 100 women holding a glass dildo in my hand in Costa Rica… but we're getting a little bit ahead of ourselves there. HA!!!)
No matter what you choose, the first step to taking care of yourself is always going to be stepping up and saying, "hey! I need to take care of myself!!" “Something isn't working here. And I am the only one that's going to be able to do something about it."
And I think thev call that self-responsibility.
SIDE NOTE:
Hey……. Looking back, you know what would have been a good idea, to0?? Talking to a gd therapist. That literally never occurred to me as a viable option. Because I always had a justification, "things aren't that bad, there isn't anything actually wrong anyhow, what would we even talk about??" So yeah, while that's not what I did, I think if the idea even crosses your mind, then yes, it's a really, really good option.
2nd side note: for what it's worth, I have since talked to a therapist. And a coach. And a mentor. And I make sure all of the friends I talk to about any of this are on TEAM CARA. Gimme aaallilll the people and aaallll the positive support in my life!! Also my husband - but he deserves his very own post. YEW.
Next: dipping a toe into freedom, except I am impulsive and don't know how to 'dip a toe' in so I jump in with my whole body. Weeeeeee!!THREE
3 of 12
Part Three.
OFTWS.
The best decisions I make in my life - the ones that seem to contribute the most to a life with so much JOY and so much FK IT’S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!! kind of feelings - all seem to come with the same moment…
One that goes a little like this:
“OH FK THAT WAS STUPID.”
It’s possible sharing this story will become one of these moments too.
But I am willing to be brave and to risk it.
Shall we see?? xx
🍉✨
I felt like one of the lucky ones.
My marriage felt easy, I had a beautiful partner who was willing to talk with me and who valued our relationship as much (if not more) than I did!
I felt so flipping lucky.
And I felt so pleasantly surprised that I never felt attracted to another person!
Which truly did come as a surprise to me.
I spent the first few years of my young adulthood adventuring and enjoying all of the privileges of being a sexy and sexual woman. Aka - being wildly promiscuous.
So my biggest fear in getting married* was that I might not be able to stay attracted to one person forever. Was that even possible??
Can we maintain our sexuality through long term monogamy? Can one person hold my attention for years on end???
And I was delighted to find that yes! It was possible. It even felt easy!!
Whew. 😅
While my own personal sexuality took quite a nosedive through my child birthing years (seriously - if you have figured out how to use your body for both nourishment of a baby AND ALSO sexy fun times with a partner….. GO YOU!! It is a hard balance to achieve). But ever since I decided to commit myself to Toff, I found it quite easy to maintain our relationship! For years it just felt so easy and natural for me to just keep my attention on him.
I never felt attracted to anyone else at all!
…Until I did.
next: open
…
*Let it be known! I chose to get married gleefully and with a whole body YES! I still feel just as I did then - that Toff is my perfect life partner. Life just looks a little differently than we thought it would.
Part Four.
Open
Outside under the sky with the moon and the stars and gorgeous tree branches swaying overhead. A warm summer night, sitting barefoot by the fire. And with his foot slowly brushing mine…I turned on.
It was just a fun and easy and feel good sort of night with friends!
And it took just one instant
One instant with his foot brushing mine and their laughter carried towards us on the breeze
And I thought
Why not?
Why can’t we?
It sounds like FUN.
And I like this feeling of having fun and being free so why shouldn’t we!?!
I couldn’t think of a good reason WHY NOT
At the time, I didn’t have access to any form of logic that was able to tell me a single reason WHY NOT.
So I said YES
And I made my move.
Why not?
And here comes that familiar feeling…..
OH FK.
THAT WAS STUPID.
Was it stupid?
Was it brave?
Most likely - it was a little bit of both. But this decision, just like all the others that have come with the same OFTWS moment (like moving to Australia!) has led me down a path towards a life that is better than I ever could have dreamed of.
The energy that woke up in my body that night - the night that it first occurred to Toff and I that maybe non-monogamy would work for us - kicked off years of personal and relationship growth.
And if you hold any judgements of me right now, you are (of course!!) welcome to leave. I would prefer for you to stay to the end (of course!) but you absolutely do not need to read the rest of this story if you do not want to.
OK, so I feel like the first thing you and I need to cover is this:
Do I recommend that you open your relationship too?
Oh fuuuuuucckkkk no!
That hurt.
Opening my relationship has been so flipping painful. That is a truth that is undeniable. My partner and I have pushed each other to our edges and past them and I officially do not recommend doing any of this. 😆😆
….but it worked for us.
It worked for us and I love where I’m at right now.
next: bold // proud
Part Five.
bold // proud
The night turned out to be closer to a disaster than anything else.
Turns out most people don’t decide in one moment to open their relationship without any single conversation about it beforehand.
Woops!
The next morning though, Toff said the most amazing sentence to me that any single human has spoken to me in my whole life -
“I’m proud of you.”
Excuse me..?? What??
I literally decided without consulting ANYONE else that we should have sex with our friends, and then I did something about it.
I made a move, calmly explained how much fun I thought it would be, why we should, and got three kinda cautious but also overall enthusiastic yeses!! What fun!!
And it was fun!! It was delightful and exciting, sexy and free and wildly fun…. until one of us ran against our boundary and we all called it quits (turns out, sometimes we don’t know where our boundaries are until we run painfully face first into them! Yeep.)
It was fun, but a little bit of a mess.
Could have been better.
But it could have been a heck of a lot worse, too.
And yet…. Toff was proud of me!! Which helped ME be proud of me.
I had done something BOLD. Bold and wild, crazy… with potentially catastrophic results. (It didn’t though - it just had mildly uncomfortable ones.)
And the wildest outcome of all??
It woke us up.
It created an energy between Toff and I that we both could feel!
We spent the rest of that weekend hardly able to keep our hands off each other.
And we thought we found the secret!! AHA!! This is IT! This is the answer to the question I had been looking for from the second I said yes to that lovely little ring on my finger!!
Can two people still DESIRE each other after years of marriage?
…is it even possible?
In the end, I found the answer.
And it’s not what I expected.
next: my truth
Part Six.
Truth
SIDENOTE!! Ok, so here is the line I’m walking - I aim to balance between “energetically open, creating trust and being a loving, breathing permission slip for women to create their own perfect relationship even if it looks nothing like we thought it should,” AND ALSO “unintentionally putting myself on one side of a line that accidentally draws people to MY relationship structure.” Which isn’t freedom. That’s just a different version of control. I aim to share my story as an example only.
🍉✨
Here is my truth - my best relationship structure is somewhere on the spectrum between monogamous and non-monogamous.
My sexuality is on a spectrum
(somewhere between v attracted to males but faaaaarrrkkkk girls are just 👏 so 👏 beautiful👏 sexy and soft!)
and my relationship type is on a spectrum too.
(somewhere between being currently happily married with a little fam I love but also we get one life and personally, I have never been able to fully comprehend why sex is such a guarded and feared commodity. Which is NOT to say I don’t have heaps of conditioning around this myself.)
Over the past few years Toff and I have been putting our relationship through so many different styles, all to the mission of: hey! What works best for us?!
Will we be here forever? I have no flipping clue!
All I know is that today, we have a relationship that is way less codependent than where we were 12 years ago. We have a relationship that is deeper, more equal, intentional, honest, and resilient - and I have a partner who want to do all of LIFE with me.
One day I might stop sharing about my own relationship so I don’t pull you into thinking I have figured out the Right Way to do it. (I haven’t. Don’t think I ever will. Don’t think anyone ever will.)
But here’s the truth (and I know you’ve heard me say this before!) if you want to have a great relationship, you have to create your own.
Here’s how I’m doing it for me.
(…..we’re doing it for we…?)
Next: congratulations it’s a biiiiiiii!!!!!
Part Seven.
Bi
I woke up one morning with a sudden realisation - oh my gosh! I’m BI!!!
I’d never allowed myself to call myself bi before.
Despite always telling Toff that when he died, I was done with husbands, thankyouverymuch - I would marry Maggie Gyllenhaal instead.
Despite the fact that one of the sweetest kisses I can remember was with a girl named Lauren, lying in the grass next to a lake in the middle of our college campus.
But I didn’t call myself bi.
You see… I knew I wanted to end up with a man!!
(Actual desire or conditioning around what a ‘family’ should look like??? No idea. But here’s the thing about desires - judging them gets us absolutely no where. That’s just a painful path to self doubt and judgement. The better answer is to accept ourselves for the desires we have.)
Until I woke up one day feeling like this piece of self knowledge fell right in my lap! One more delicious little puzzle piece in the lifelong journey of discovering self.
So what does that mean?
Why does sexuality mean anything at all once you’re in a long term committed relationship?
Becaaauuse when we deny parts of ourselves we end up feeling froooozen and cut off!!!! Oof.
That’s what happened to me anyways.
Embracing our own sexuality is one of the most powerful things we can do because it’s the only thing no one else gets to have 2 cents on! Doesn’t mean they won’t try…. Oh gosh the whole world tries! But it’s a personal journey and the ONLY way to figure it out is to get in touch with our own bodies.
And I believe that just going on the journey to uncover our own sexuality can free us - we don’t have to do anything with it! (I did bc it was available to me in my relationship, but just embracing part of ourselves just for the sake of embracing our whole selves is worth it! No action or experimentation necessary. Unless that’s what you desire, of course wink)
So what did I do with this knowledge once I had it?
I worked with my partner to find the next step for me! And for us.
next: awakening
Part Eight.
Awakening.
Looking back, I’d call this my Sexual Awakening.
I believe all women go through one, and while mine came relatively early, I’ve done almost every milestone in life pretty early so it makes sense.
And it kicked off years of Toff and I getting creative.
Right now, we’ve landed in what I’ll call a Yes Relationship. We are committed to one other, to the family we’ve created, and to supporting each other in our YESES. There is zero room for secrets, hiding things, or lying - there isn’t any point!! Our life is better when we work together to create what we want. Which sounds delightfully easy in concept, but is surprising tricky in execution.
Have you ever tried to be honest about what you WANT?
…with yourself? How about with your partner??
Whew.
That shit’s real tricky - and while I would happily give Toff a gold star for his ability, I struggle with accepting my desires and speaking them out loud.
After that first weekend our next step was to teach ourselves everything we could about relationship structures.
So we started our research.
We listened to podcasts.
And we read books.
We followed our intuition to ask a few friends about their relationship structure.
We found a few apps.
We really just wanted to find another couple who could tell us DOES THIS WORK? How does it work for you? What does it FEEL like? Are we on the right track?
For the record - so many signs pointed to NO this DOES NOT WORK. Leave this path immediately. It is too fraught with peril.
And yet
I believe in Magic and I trust my body. And I was guided so strongly by two steady factors:
- I can feel in my core that Toff and I will end up together.
- The universe has sent us so many gorgeous people at just the right time!
Which gives me the feeling that we’re on the right track. That, while this may not be our chosen relationship style forever, it is where we need to be right now. There is more for us to learn here.
So we just keep following the path as it unfolds in front of us.
next: skirt club
Part Nine.
Skirt club
I first heard of skirt club in a book.
It’s a private club started in London by a women who loved going to play parties with her partner, but who thought “hm, how do we get rid of the sketchy male element?”
“I know!! No men!”
So she created parties just for bisexual or bicurious women, most of whom are in heterosexual relationships.
She runs parties in London, New York, and California - and it never occurred to me that I would be able to go!! …until it did!
“Why don’t you just look and see if there’s any skirt club activity in Australia, Cara?” That little voice quietly nudged me one night.
So I did.
And it waaaassss!
And they had a party in Melbourne in just a couple months time!!
My whole body absolutely vibrated with excitement!!
Aaaahhh! Eeeeeeeeee!!! Wooooooo!!!!
Toff was asleep already, so I resisted the urge to wake him up to share my news. But I shared it first thing in the morning.
“Skirt club has a party coming up in Melbourne.”
“So do you want to go?” were the first words out of his mouth.
(Please note that I didn’t state my desire! Now I know that we are more likely to get what we want when we can state it. Lucky for me Toff heard it anyhow.)
So the party was set.
The plane ticket was purchased.
The outfit was put together.
And the day before I was supposed to leave I had an epiphany… oh my gosh! HOW am I supposed to stand out in a room filled with 60 other gorgeous women when I’m wearing all black??!! I don’t wear all black! I feel like part of my soul dies when I wear all black!
What the hell Cara!! Just WHO are you trying to be??
So I quickly rushed out to buy a yellow top instead!!
And because I was willing to show up exactly how I am, I had a beautiful, beautiful night. Now I’ve learned to show up as all of me, everywhere I go. Exactly how I am.
I have lots more to share about skirt club and the unexpected events that kicked off because of that weekend. But to hear more you’re gonna have to wait to read my book!
next: The Answer
Part Ten.
Answer
You know the beautiful thing that I’ve found about answers?
Quite often the simple ones are the best.
(Ex: have you tried turning it off and on again?)
So in all my years of looking for an answer to the question: Can two people still DESIRE each other after years of marriage? Can you hold onto that spark and that fire? The heat, the passion…the LOVE?
Here’s what I found:
Yes.
Absolutely.
But first we have to think it’s possible, and then we have to put energy into it.
In fact… whatever we want is totally possible!!
Oh it takes work!
To be sure.
We can read all the books and take all the classes and keep looking for an answer… but any WORK we do is never going to work if we don’t think it is possible. And that’s a choice we all get to make for ourselves.
Do we believe it (heck… do we want it?)
And are we ready to put energy into it?
It’s that simple.
Opening my relationship didn’t give me the relationship of my dreams.
Showing up and putting energy into it did.
Also, none of this is to say that you HAVE to, or that sometimes the magic doesn’t just fizzle out or that the two of you (or more, if you’re polyamorous) don’t just grow in different directions. I think we need more room in our narratives for successful relationships that don’t have to last forever. There is no such thing as a “failed relationship,” because that implies they all have the same goal!
The boring truth is, long term relationships take work.
Any relationship takes work.
But what are we here for? To have an easy life?
Or to LIVE !! Capital L. I. V. E .
To feel. To burn. To feel absolute ecstasy, joy and bliss. To feel pain and grief and power. To feel free and alive and so impossibly in love with ourselves and our life and our own power.
And OOOO wanna hear another delicious little answer I have found?
Working on our relationships can absolutely heal us. So we can become the truest version of ourselves imaginable.
Don’t believe me yet?
Keep watching.
I’ll show you.
next: you are welcome here
Part Eleven.
You are welcome here
One of the best messages I’ve ever received included this memorable sentence:
“But what I really came here to talk about was NIPPLES!”
It was from a family member who wondered if it was okay for them to participate on my page. (He suggested an app he knew of that could edit my nipples out, which is very helpful!)
And since then I’ve had a few conversations with friends and family on a similar topic!
So let me just state so very clearly:
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE.
I intend to keep showing up as all of me, in a way that’s comfortable for me. Yes, that may involve nudity. It may also involve jumpers or impossibly fluffy onesies. The freedom to be me in all areas of my life is one that I absolutely hold as a highest value.
But let it be known that no matter what connection you hold in my life, you are welcome here.
A few things to note:
- this is my business page
- I guide women and couples into regenerating their relationship through embracing their unique sexuality
- There is never any obligation to buy anything
- Yes this space is a marketing tool for me, yes I do share info and posts and my knowledge in the hope of attracting people to work with me
- But ALSO! It’s fun for me! Holding my energy here is FUN for me! I love it. Sharing my life with you and connecting with you brings me great joy (and I think I’m good at it!)
- Whatever your desire for being here is, whether you’re interested in my work, want to support me or cheer me on (very appreciated!), watch quietly or get involved - it’s all welcome.
- If you ever feel concerned for me and how I show up - thank you for your care! How lovely that I have people to look out for me!! Please know I am also the Guardian of this space. Any unwanted, undesired, or unsolicited attention will promptly earn a delete, block, or unfollow. Often without hesitation or a chance to explain. Booyah. Bam. Kiiiyah! Chop.
- For 98% of you - your presence is 100% wanted, desired, and totally solicited
Next: I have a new page to share too!
Part Twelve
Yay! We did it!
How are you doing? Keen to learn more?? Yaayyy!! Let’s keep going.
We are almost through this portion of my story before I truly step into sharing my full radiant self!
So now that we’ve covered just how very welcome you are here, and now that we all know I am willing to show up as all of me in every space I am in, I’ve also created another instagram page!!
It’s a home to document the part of my life that is a Travelling Family of Five! I’ve tagged it in this post, you are welcome to join me over there!
Just so we’re clear….
The Far Out Wests
a home for family posts and day to day travel stories. I’m going through now and sharing all of our past travels - jump on to watch! It’s a lot of fun. From our 4 month and 12 country honeymoon, to our first international flight with infant/toddler in tow (oh that was memorable - and not in a good way!) we’ve done some cool shit!
Hello Cara West
a home for Cara West :: Sexuality Coach. I create posts and stories and a weekly live series (Happy Hump Day - returning by the turn of the year!) to share with you all of the embodied wisdom I am gleaning on love, s.x and relationships!
Follow either or both or neither (ha!) in a way that satisfies you the most. There will be crossover because I don’t run my life in a series of vacuums, but I needed a place that felt clear in it’s purpose.
In summation,
You are welcome here.
You are welcome there.
You are welcome everywhere!
If you want to have a life that is amazing, you need to work at creating your own.
I’m happy to share what works for me* (and maybe what hasn’t when I feel resourced enough to do that!) and you are welcome to journey along with me.
Stop by and say hi sometime! I promise I’m really friendly.
xx
*edited of course!! Please know, as with any story anyone chooses to share from their personal lives, this is edited. I aim to protect the privacy of anyone who doesn’t want to be quite so open with their lives as I do. And also; I don’t share everything!
porn hub
ReplyDelete